WE LOVE VASELINE, LATEX GLOVES, BENDING OVER, COLD HANDS, COUGHING, GAS, RESTRAINTS AND MAKING YOU WAIT. --

Doctors Without Borders? We didn’t go to Med School to trod through grief stricken countrysides, pulling babies from rubble and all that other depressing crap! Hell, we didn’t to go Med School at all! Shit, I’m surprised I spelled “stricken” right.

We only service those lucky enough to afford our services. And, we’re practically unaffordable.

We’re good lookin’, fast drivin’, hard drinkin’, en lots of other cool words endin’ in “in’”.

--- I’m DR. SHITZENGIGGLES. I like horse pills, huffing my own supply and believe you can’t ever have enough gauze or duct tape. I’ll make you pay extra for the “Aah”, my hands are never warm and I’m not German, but I serve up a great hotplate.

-- NURSE O. DEE. She’s a stunner with a needle, drives an ambulance like a beast and throws like a girl. Like a mean, angry, faux butch girl! So, don’t get on her bad side unless you want some spank in your sponge bath.

-- DR. COLON OSCO PHD. Usually on call, Colon is a specialist. We only call him in for high level deep dive operations. The ultimate globetrotter, we never know where this Colon’s gonna be. He puts the F in the B (The Fantastic in the Botox) and always comes out slick and smooth.

-- Young DR. SEMOUR WEINER; Hard at work, hard at play, let’s face it, our little Wiener just likes to go hard all the time! The newest Member of Doctors Without Morals, Dr. Sey Weiner found his way into Andrology by mistake. When asked, “Do you want to be the male version of a Gyno?” the young Weiner excitedly stood up and shouted, “Hell, yes!” thinking this meant he’d be a Male Gyno. Much to his chagrin, the Dr. discovered, way to deep into his education to change, that he’d be handling outees instead of inees. Dr. Seymour loves sushi, has an accute case of Trypophobia and, while no relation to Anthony Weiner, he’s been known to send a good photo now and again. Thank you Snapchat.

-- Our clients are rich, famous and gorgeously numb.

If you have an emergency, don’t call us. We’re busy.

-- Thanks. I’m bored. You’re welcome.

-- Love, Dr. Shitzengiggles

-- Now, where did I put that glove?