A WARNING FROM THE PARK RANGERS SERVICE:

Fellow countrymen and countryladies:

We have ordained ourselves with the sacred duty of keeping you safe.

We're not *advocating* for the mass incarceration of bears. But wouldn't you feel safer at night knowing that a 600-pound killing machine that can run 45 mph isn't rampaging through our children's schools?

Fondly do we hope ~ fervently do we pray ~ that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away.

Sure, we've been laughed at.

We've been called crazy.

We've been scorned, ridiculed, and cast out from the "official" park ranger service.

But we took an oath to defend our great country from all threats -- foreign and DOMESTIC -- and we will not yield.

Is it complete and total lunacy to think that BEARS have been waging a covert propaganda war to assuage you all of their menacity? Oh sure, they look cute as they bumble around, steal your pic-a-nic baskets and invade your home for porridge. Go ahead -- buy your child that adorable, cuddly little teddy bear. Surely there's no cause for alarm...

But what happens the very next moment, after you drop your guard?

THE FULL AND COMPLETE COLLAPSE OF HUMAN SUPREMACY. OBVIOUSLY.

We cannot run from bears. They run at 40mph We can not hide in the bushes.

Ground invasion? The full collapse of human civilization? Nuclear Armageddon? What can we do against this clear and obvious danger?

We’re just asking questions here.

DO NOT FEED THE BEAR.